When I first got married, my husband and I kept busy between the sheets. Every time we thought about it, we had sex—sometimes, multiple times per day. It was fun, exciting and thrilling.
We relished the freedom to indulge our cravings and were delighted that married sex was sanctioned by God. The idea of guilt-free pleasure excited us. We were overjoyed about being able to ravage one another all night long Saturday, without needing to make a trip to the altar for forgiveness on Sunday.
But the novelty of married sex wore off after about a year. We settled into a routine, which was a lot less frequent than the first twelve months. But both of us were content. That was all that mattered.
Then, about five years in, things really began drying up. We had a daughter. He picked up more hours at work and so did I. We had less time together and were a lot more tired. When he did ask me, I'd have a headache (No, really. I did.), or I was just too pooped.
That is when the reality of marriage and sex set in for us. We had become one of "those couples" we said we didn't want to be. We had really slowed down on the intimacy, not because we didn't love each other, but because life got in the way of love-making.
A turning point for me came when I had a conversation with my mother.
Without revealing my own sexless marriage issues, I said, "Mom, you and dad are still frisky after all this time, so what's your secret?"
As she stood there in her house coat ironing, the woman who gave birth to me and had been married for forty-some-odd years had a simple answer: "Just do it. It's not that complicated."
She advised me to approach sex like every other basic human need. Just as we must eat, drink water, and sleep to survive, she said, "husbands and wives need to have sex. It is a necessity, not a luxury."
It was genius! Why didn't I think of that?
That was 15 years ago and her advice proved exceptional. I recommend that you adopt her philosophy too, which also happens to be the Nike slogan.
Although there is no set standard for how frequently sex should be enjoyed in marriage, the important thing is that couples communicate their needs, and honor them.
Christian marriage therapists Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D. say, “Most married Christians just do what works for them."
Even when it comes to scripture, there is no outline, road map, or blueprint for exactly how often we should enjoy sex with our spouse. But there is some guidance.
1 Corinthians 7:5 says we should not hold out on our spouse if they want to do the deed unless we have a clear purpose and agreement to do so.
Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NLT)
Holding out in the sex department is like giving the enemy an open invitation to introduce temptation into your marriage.
I once heard a Christian marriage counselor say this: “In marriage, an unused bed is the devil’s playground.” It's true. Lack of sex opens the door to the enemy.
So keep sex alive in your marriage by just doing it.
Pamela Copeland is a wife of 20 years, mother of 4 sons, and founder of "Married Divas" a nonprofit open forum for Christian wives to discuss Godly strategies for a successful marriage in the tri-state area. She is staff writer for EEW Magazine.