Article By Tina Evans-Grey, EEW Staff
I was listening to a sermon from Bishop T.D. Jakes one day. In it, he encouraged longtime married couples to be honest about the struggles in their relationships so younger couples would not have unrealistic expectations. He joked that when husbands and wives who have been together “50 years” say they have been “happily married” all that time, they lie.
Bishop Jakes is right. No one is happy every single day. There are good days and bad ones; ups and downs; struggles and triumphs; rainy and sunny skies; blissful and dreadful days.
Anyone who won’t admit that is just not being authentic.
But the good news is, if you stick together and work through the rough patches, things will smooth out eventually. I know this for a fact after 17 years of marriage—a comparatively short time when I take into account that my grandparents fall into the 50-year married class.
Some say their first five years were the roughest, but not so for Kevin and me. We were honeymooning for a full six years, but something happened during year seven. Lots of people expect to feel the “seven year itch”—a phrase made popular by the 1955 movie of the same name, starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe.
Unlike the film adaptation of the original Broadway show, however, our “itch” had nothing to do with unfaithfulness. Being monogamous was not a challenge. Being around each other, unfortunately, became a chore and an unbearable task. I was primarily responsible for this.
The struggle in our relationship was introduced a while after I stopped working to stay home with the kids when they were small. I wanted to be there for them during their formative years, so I resigned from my teaching position at a local high school and became Martha Stewart number two. I threw myself into being a super-wife and supermom, until I got super burnt out after about a year and a half.
I felt unfulfilled and discouraged, like I had given up a major part of who I was to become a woman I no longer knew. Who was this lady in sweat pants, disheveled hair, and t-shirts with spit up all over them? Who locked up the professional woman in the basement and replaced her with a housekeeper?
Coming from a family of high achievers and having to endure the scrutiny of relatives who felt like being “just” a stay-at-home mom didn’t really qualify as work, only added insult to injury. I felt diminished and worthless. Although none of that was true, believing it did a major job on my self-esteem. Even though I was the one who decided to take time off, I started resenting my husband who got to go off to work daily. I blamed him for my unhappiness with my own crumbling life and started pulling away.
It was a very difficult time emotionally and strained our marriage beyond belief. I was a miserable person, a hollow shell of myself, and an absolute nightmare to live with for sure! I reserved my kindness and vibrancy for the children only.
One day, after I had put the children down for a nap, I flicked on the television and saw Joyce Meyer. The first thing she said is, “You may not be able to do anything about how you feel, but you can do a lot about how you act.”
That statement, which I will never forget, felt like she had directed it at me because I had been acting so ugly. I wasn’t being the kind of wife God called me to be. I was mean. I was withholding sex. I was just bitter. Joyce also said, “It’s the believer’s responsibility to stay in peace and we have to learn how to be peaceful in the midst of the storm.”
Her sermon struck me in a special way on that hot July day. I saw that I had let my season of transition rob my peace, steal my joy, and alter my personality for the worst. So, with a pile of laundry in the middle of the bed waiting to be folded, I cried. I asked God to help me to deal with the emotional changes I was going through. I prayed for wisdom to adapt to what I truly knew God was asking me to do for my family at that time, which was stay home.
I sobbed and beat the floor until I felt relief. I had not released emotions since resigning my position, but I needed to. Once I let myself go and got honest about what was going on with me, something shifted inside me.
When I got up from the floor I still looked a mess, but I felt a whole lot better. For the rest of that week, I changed my routine. I made more time for God. I stopped holding a pity party and began pursuing peace. I got back into reading my Bible, praying, and nourishing Tina’s spirit.
That week turned into a month; a month into a year; a year into a consistent lifestyle.
Kevin started noticing the changes. God began healing our marriage and helping us un-burden ourselves through communication. and the rest of year seven turned out to be the best year of our marriage.
We have had other challenges, but none that ripped us apart the way I allowed my transitional season to do a decade ago. Now I tell younger couples that the challenges of life do a real number on our emotions! But we have to defeat those emotional wars, by fighting our inward demons. If we don't, our marriages will flatline because the life has been choked out of them by bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness of both our partner, and sometimes, ourselves.
As women, we are emotional creatures. We feel passion, hurt, and a whole other range of emotions, very deeply. If we don't communicate with God and our spouse, we will implode. Our feelings will get the best of us, control our actions instead of the Holy Spirit, and break apart what should have been a til-death-do-us-part union.
When you feel tempted to give into the emotional war, remember 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."