Ever since the pregnancy loss, it has become the million dollar question that almost everyone asks me – Will you try again?
Each time, I never really have an answer. Truthfully, I’ve been torn when it comes to considering actually trying again. There’s a huge part of me that is terrified of the possibility of going through such a traumatic experience again, and if I never give pregnancy another try, I figure I’ll save myself from the risk of suffering that particular heartache and disappointment should the result from the last time repeat itself.
The reality of never having the opportunity to hold my sweet baby in my arms was deeply disappointing for me, and the thought of putting myself in a position to feel that let down again has honestly had me quite fearful. But since I know that the Lord has not given me the spirit of fear, I knew I had to take my anxiety about conceiving straight to Him.
A few nights ago, I pulled out my prayer journal and favorite pen, and poured my heart to The Father. I’ll give you a peek inside that intimate moment and share what I wrote:
Lord, I don’t really know where to begin, other than to say that I’m scared. While I am unaware of Your plans concerning my husband and me having more children, I am afraid to try again. The disappointment from losing our baby almost three months ago was far too painful, and now that I’m healing, it terrifies me to think about what could happen if we became pregnant again. I can’t bear a repeat of that experience. I know this spirit of fear is not of you, so please help me to overcome my anxieties so that I don’t predicate the outcome of the next time upon what happened the last time. Grant me the grace to set aside my previous disappointment of loss and not allow it to hinder me from embracing new experiences that could lead to gain. No fear. All faith. In Jesus’ name, amen.
That night, I sat before the Lord until I received what I needed – peace. While sitting in the presence of the Lord He ministered to my heart, His peace that surpasses understanding engulfed me, and I learned another valuable lesson.
And, of course, I’m sharing it with you.
The last time and the next time are totally different experiences. What happened before has nothing to do with what will happen the next time you try. But disappointment has a way of making you feel like the appointed time for the thing you desire will never come, and will cause you to give up on trying and believing. Just because it went wrong the last time, does not mean the next time won't be successful. To everything there is a season (Ecclesiastes 3:1); it didn't happen before simply because its season hadn't arrived.
It makes me think about the woman with the issue of blood (Mark 5:25-29). For twelve years she tried to find a cure for healing. I can imagine that each time she went to a doctor and received a failed outcome, she wanted to just give up on spending her money and getting her hopes up to believe that she’d get the result she desired. But despite how disappointed she may have been each time she returned home in the same condition, she kept trying. She didn’t allow what happened the last time to keep her from believing that things would be different the next time. Had she given up on trying again, she never would have pressed her way to Jesus. Because she didn’t allow fear of disappointment to hinder her, she kept trying until she finally received the healing she so desperately desired. She may have been let down by her previous experiences, but her next-time experience yielded her totally different results. Fear lost. Faith won.
Since that night with the Lord, my hope has been restored, and fear has been cast out by faith. Although I don’t know what the outcome will be, I’m no longer afraid to give it another try. I’m choosing not to give my past disappointment power over my future appointments with destiny.
Listen ladies, disappointment sucks; I know that full well. Sure enough, the relationship may have ended in heartbreak the last time; the ministry or business may have flopped the last time; the job interview yielded no results the last time; the doctor couldn’t find relief for your pain the last time; you failed that class the last time; the fertility treatments were unsuccessful for you and your husband the last time; but know this with full assurance – if God promised it, He is faithful to manifest it. Don't allow the past to dictate what the future holds. Besides, no matter what happens, God still has good plans for you.
So, to answer that million dollar question – Yes, I’ll definitely try again. Will you? Go ahead and give it another try; the next time may be your best time.
No fear. All faith.