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Sick of Arguing? How to resolve conflict with your spouse and strengthen communication

Article By Valerie Daniels // EEW Magazine Marriage

In the early days of courting, you loved to hear him speak and just appreciated the way he saw the world. “Oh, we’re so much alike!” you mused, telling your girlfriends with a faraway, dreamy look in your eyes.  

How could there be another human being on the planet that fit your personality so well?

Then, reality set in. After jumping the broom and seeing each other day-in and day-out, differences surfaced and disagreements born out of those differences manifested more frequently. Though you love God, want to honor Him with your marriage, and pray for a peaceful home, things don't seem to be getting better.

Christian psychologist and author David E. Clarke, PhD, says, "If you don't learn how to resolve conflict, your marriage will slowly die. It will choke on smoldering resentments and bitterness.”

So how can you resolve conflict when you don’t see eye to eye on things like: how to raise the children; how involved your relatives should be in your lives; how to handle money; what ministry is best for the spiritual needs of your family; how the housework and chores should be divided up, and on and on?

Exasperated, you wonder, why do we argue so much? Why do we get on each other’s nerves so frequently? How in the world can we stop the verbal sparring and get that loving feeling back? With all the back-and-forth and opposing views, you wonder, Lord, is this going to work? Will my husband and I last?

In Dr. Clarke's free e-book available exclusively at, with over twenty-five years of full-time private practice counseling experience, he says every couple already has a conflict pattern, but it doesn't work. He challenges couples to take on his new method to see results.

"If you learn how to resolve conflict, your marriage will be free to grow and thrive. It will be alive and refreshed with closeness and passion and joy and fun,” says Dr. Clarke.

Expressing your views respectfully is the key. But before you do that, remember this: at the root of misunderstanding and miscommunication is a missed opportunity to listen.

It is critical for both the husband and wife to be willing to compassionately examine the other’s point of view, weigh it out carefully, and respond lovingly. Even if you agree to disagree, this can be done without yelling, name-calling, and belittling the other person.

Words hurt. You cannot take back what you say, so choose your speech carefully and prayerfully.

Finally, it always helps to remember that the one on the other end of that disagreement is your friend, lover, and the very same person you fell in love with years ago.

Intense fighting stops where true listening begins.

RELATED: 9 Bible-based lessons for a whole and happy marriage

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