By Edna Haroldson:: EEW MAGAZINE COACHING
I don’t like to listen. It’s one of those things I know about myself. But even though it is an admitted weakness, any time I get into a dispute with someone and I begin talking over them, I have trouble stopping myself.
It’s like I reach the point of no return and everything becomes about me being right, rather than me focusing on understanding where the other person is coming from, and trying to resolve the issue at hand.
It is a bad habit. It has caused many arguments, strained relationships and ended some really important alliances. I need help in this area.
This is what I hear over and over again as I travel, conducting small group trainings. Men and women who struggle with listening skills, no matter their income level, professional rank, or ministry position, consistently talk about their self-centered communication.
Pastors, secretaries, CEOs, department heads, and even volunteers, whatever their race or ethnicity, know a thing or two about failing to hold their tongues and open their ears.
This dismissiveness of the importance of listening must stop and here’s why.
85% of the knowledge we hold, we have acquired by listening. More than 35 studies say listening is a top skill needed for success in business, and is critical for healthy relationships. Yet, less than 2% of us have had any formal education or training to teach us how to do it better.
Of course I know not every person has the time, money, or ability to travel for such educational courses to improve this valuable skill, which is why I like to give out my “James 1:19 Rule.”
Its name is a dead giveaway for its origin—the biblical book of James, chapter 1 and verse 19 ESV. “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
There you have it. Isn’t that simple? Well, it should be.
Being swifter to hear someone else out, than you are eager to try to force them into hearing you out, makes sense and doesn't sound that complicated.
This is a similar idea to what our grandmothers (or some other adult in our lives) planted in us when they said, “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. He wants you to listen more than you speak.”
If we would just shush ourselves more and give someone else the floor, with an open mind and a closed mouth, we would be amazed at the increase in understanding we would experience.
But how often do we fail in the area of effective listening? How many times have we been involved in a shouting match, where neither side is paying any attention to the other?
Usually, these sorts of unhealthy debates escalate, causing hurt feelings, unnecessary tension, and resentment of the other person. It only takes a moment to offend in word, but much longer to heal a hurt inflicted by a hasty, careless tongue.
If you would like to take James 1:19 to heart and really follow it to improve your communication, there is something you have to do: be willing to tell yourself no and tame your tongue by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Why can't we do it on our own without spiritual help?
It's because, when we want something, whether it’s the extra scoop of ice cream, the pair of shoes that aren’t on sale, or the last word in a conversation, our desire to please our flesh overtakes us.
Without the help of the Lord, we simply want what we want, when we want it, and we don’t care who or what we have to destroy to get it!
But for Believers guided by God, we have discipline, a Fruit of the Spirit.
When we are submitted to Him, as James 4:7 tells us to be, we then listen to the Spirit of God when He whispers instructions like, work on speaking out of a place of love, concern, and understanding, instead of from your own selfish wants, pride, or desire to control things and people.
Truth is, on your own you cannot keep your mouth in check. James 3:8 says, "but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."
The good news is, with God, all things are possible.
Was this article helpful? Are you worrying about your relationships being negatively affected by poor communication? Are you willing to apply the principles shared here to improve and grow in this area?
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