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Monday
Nov252013

Somebody Come Get Him: Top 5 Most Inappropriate Ben Tankard Sex Quotes

Article By EEW Editors:: REALITY TV

The Bible says in Colossians 4:6 that we should let our words always be seasoned with grace, and it looks like Gospel-Jazz musician and Bravo’s “Thicker Than Water” reality show star Ben Tankard could use a whole lot more “grace seasoning” to balance the spicy hot mess he blurts out on television.

Aside from the Tankards’ dysfunctional obsession with wealth and vanity, the creepy perverted uncle vibe the family patriarch gives off with his over-the-top crass sexual humor needs to stop—now. Go inside to read 5 of his most sexually charged quotes that make us each say, somebody come get him, please.

1. Tankard Toyland

On the tactless scale from 1 to 10, Uncle Ben’s comment about the colorful sexual fantasy he has about his wife is off the meter.

He said, “I got the hummer. I got the monster truck. I got the motorcycle. I got the airplane. They’re all yellow. Now if I can just get Jewel to dye her hair yellow, everything I love to ride will be yellow.”

Wait, what?

That’s disgusting and crude.

2. The Tankard Commandments

When speaking about the rules of the house, Uncle Ben turned the topic of conversation to his second favorite subject aside from money: sex with his wife Jewel. In this instance, it was not simply what he said, but also what he did.

He remarked, “[Commandment] #5: For my gorgeous wife Jewel, ‘Thou shalt allow thine husband to drink from thine brook, often”—meaning, he expects her to submit to his wishes for frequent sex.

While there is nothing wrong with wanting to get it in with his lady on the regular—such is healthy for a husband and wife—a couple’s mating schedule does not need to be publicized.

Then, things got even odder when the two were in the hot tub together and a shirtless Uncle Ben said to Jewel, “Let me take my shorts off,” and tossed his trunks aside. Once completely naked—a visual no one needed—he asked her, ‘What’s my name?’ and she replied, “Big Daddy!”

Umm, get a room guys and save that for when the cameras aren’t rolling, M’kay?

Gross.

3. Sex Sounds Like…

This time, the Tankard children also contributed to the messy sex allusions. For some reason, they all thought it would be amusing to stand up in the church sanctuary and mimic the moans and groans each of their parents make while having sex.

Really guys?

If that wasn’t enough to activate everyone’s gag reflex and make them throw up a little bit in their own mouths, once Uncle Ben’s son Benji finished his daddy-sex-sounds-impersonation, his proud father chimed in, “That is the sound of a womb gobbler,” and then flashed a devious grin.

Eeew!

No sir.

That is the sound of a pervert making a really obscene joke in the church sanctuary.

Stop it.

4. Swinging From the Chandelier

The Tankard family has accepted the fact that their dad is “very open” about sex. But here is another statement that falls in the “too open” category.

One of Uncle Ben’s daughters said, “You know you have cracks in your ceiling around the chandelier.”

He replied with more kinky sex talk by saying, “Yo mama gotta swing from something.”

Everyone’s face twisted up as they all let out a collective “Ugh!”

Exactly.

5. Dirty Dinner Table Joke

There are few worse things than sitting down for a nice, classy dinner…with a pervert. This person is the one who crosses the boundaries of decency without realizing they are just way out of order.

That person is Uncle Ben.

During dinner with Bravo’s Real Housewives of Atlanta star, Kandi Burruss and another guest, the “womb gobbler” thought it was funny and appropriate to crack this joke.

“I say, ‘Jesus is in me, so don’t that mean I need to be in you?”

No, Uncle Ben, you need to be in time out for that foolishness. That was just wrong on so many levels.

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Reader Comments (12)

Eewwwwww...

November 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTy

Ben Tankard is a hot mess!!!! And this article is hilarious!

November 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFannie

OMG! Throw up in my mouth! He is a creeper! And moaning in the sanctuary.....BABY BYE!

November 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNR

EEW, why are you even posting this filth?! If your so disgusted with it you shouldn't be publishing it. Shame on you, EEW

November 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelly

EEW I LOVE you guys!! Had me laughing while speaking the truth. @Melly, NO PASTOR BEN TANKARD should be ashamed not the reporters. Get cho life! Up here commenting on a media empire's website trying to chastise them for doing their job. Bwahahaha you sound stupid.

November 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterErin

He is the WORST!

November 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKatlyn

@Erin, there's no need for you to be disrespectful towards me regarding my comment. It is just my opinion. You're rude and immature. I'll pray for you. God bless

November 26, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelly

I love his CD Song of Solomon however one of the tracks Smile with Me sounds like it was recorded in the bedroom after reading this maybe thats the message he was conveying that it is music for lovers in the bedroom That's okay however what you do iin the bedroom .........STAYS IN THE BEDROOM not in public an not in front of chilldren......Truth Speaks.

November 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTruth Speaks

I love his CD Song of Solomon however one of the tracks Smile with Me sounds like it was recorded in the bedroom after reading this maybe thats the message he was conveying that it is music for lovers in the bedroom That's okay however what you do iin the bedroom .........STAYS IN THE BEDROOM not in public an not in front of chilldren......Truth Speaks.

November 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTruth Speaks

TMI Mr. Tankard!!!

December 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAisha

I read the same thing about jewel tankard, smoking blunts, drinking like a thirsty dessert rat, and threatening to cut a bi-ch. lord give me strength straight from the hood. You can take um out of Detroit, but that mentality is still there wheathet you down to your last 5 cents or 5 million, that's in you and it wont ever come out.

December 23, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterspeechless

I would be willing to guess that most of these posts are from single alone frustrated moms who can't get a man to stay with them longer then one night. Therefore out of jealousy you become self appointed "internet apostles" set on releasing rebukes into the air that fall on deaf ears.

Looks like the Hatorade backfired, according to the latest reports (see link) The Tankards are one of the hottest things on reality TV and have broken ratings records for NBC / Bravo. A true critique would include comments on the good points as well as bad (because we ALL have areas where we can get better). Anything that just commenst on the negative alone is clearly pure jealousy. But looks like the Tankard critics have had their teeth knocked out according to the article.

http://tickerreport.com/press-releases/98022/omg-thicker-than-water-the-tankards-silence-critics-with-mega-ratings-success-for-brava-media-nbc/

January 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJanice Leakes

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